A good friend of mine wrote,

So I’ve been going out with this Catholic guy for about 11 months, and recently he flew to another state to visit some friends for about four days. Long story short, he ran into his ex-girlfriend there and, after a night of drinking, they kissed. It was one kiss and nothing more. She told him she was sorry, and so was he, and she told him not to tell me because it would hurt me needlessly.

Well, he did tell me. And I didn’t take it very well. He begged me not to leave. He was crying and nearly sick from fear of losing me and for feeling so guilty. He was very genuine about it and swearing he would never put himself in that kind of situation again. I spent a long time thinking about it and finally decided to forgive him.

But I called one of my closest Christian friends and she says I made the wrong choice in taking him back. She says I need a strong man of God, that this guy is just leading me astray. Please help. The tears won’t stop falling.

I think there is an important scenario your friend needs to reflect on. Have you ever been unfaithful to God? Did you regret it with sorrowful repentance? Did you seek his forgiveness with tears in your eyes? And does he love you enough to forgive you and keep you? I always find it striking, the extraordinary difference between how we want God to treat us when we’re unfaithful to him, and how we treat others who are unfaithful to us. There is so much we could learn if God gave us the task he gave Hosea. Maybe we could approach our relationships as though he did.

It was a lesson I learned personally and painfully—with two different women who cheated on me, actually, but it was not until the second one that I learned the lesson I described. I was harsh with the first one and dumped her abruptly. With the second one, that spiritual object lesson occurred to me and I forgave her, just as I trust God to forgive my unfaithfulness. I figured if God could put up with me, I could put up with her.

A friend of hers advised,

It’s not just a case of being mean and not forgiving them. You can forgive them but, if they cheated on you, are they truly happy in the relationship? I’d feel it would be pretty tough to accept and believe that they are, because otherwise they wouldn’t have cheated on you. Right? Something is surely missing if they cheat on you. Hence, if someone wishes to break up with the cheater, I’m all for it.

There is a similarity even here, between a real-world incident of infidelity and the spiritual object lesson of infidelity. In both cases, the reason for the infidelity is the same: self-interest. She suggests that their cheating might be related to their happiness within the relationship (specifically, a lack thereof in some way). And I think she is right in that suggestion, but it’s an issue of self-interest, if we can be honest, because whose happiness is being considered? Their own.

Whether it’s my relationship with a woman or my relationship with God, the question I find myself asking in both cases is, "Why has my happiness assumed greater priority over their happiness?" When I look at the issue that way, the entire dynamic of the situation changes and I’m provided with an opportunity to take ownership for my unhappiness. When it comes to relationships—even between myself and my friends—I should not be seeking my own happiness but rather the happiness of the other person. That is where true love, authentic personal fulfillment, and a lasting, successful relationship are to be found. When you presume to leave a relationship because your own happiness is not being satisfied, you are implicitly declaring that you are the priority in the relationship—which is truly selfish, and in the case of one’s relationship with the Sovereign Lord of lords it has a blatantly sinful dimension.

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