Professor Myers,

I was forwarded your satirical diatribe on the history of the discovery of elephant wings by an opponent of the Eagletosh University of Proboscidoptera (at which I am a professor myself), and I was greatly disturbed that you had not taken the time to research the subject matter at greater detail before writing your screed. While the historicity of your account is accurate enough, one cannot help but feel there’s a disrespecting tone underlying it. You would be wise to familiarize yourself with the subject, preferably by reading the great tomes of roboscidopterology by the maestro himself, such as The Voyage in the Jungle, On the Origin of Wings, and The Descent of Elephants. (If they did not have wings, how would they avoid crashing into the Earth when they descended from Heaven? Elephants are heavy.)

That first seminal work of his, The Voyage in the Jungle, lays out in great detail what happened in those pivotal years. What your own account of it conveniently fails to mention (and which you would have known had you read Eagletosh’s first great work) is that while Eagletosh admittedly did little field work, what he lacked in physical examination he made up for a thousand-fold in spiritual understanding. He had a deep inner connection with elephantkind, something his three colleagues — those crass materialists Moe, Larry, and Curly — utterly lacked. Reading Eagletosh, you immediately get the warm, cozy feeling of being in the presence of a poetic, romantic, loving mind. His books are filled with siren poems and colorful illustrations. Open any of Moe, Larry, or Curly’s books, and you will find graphs, equations, and other debasements of the loftiness of the great and noble elephant. Does the elephant know what axes and functions are? No. Does it need to? No. Why do we?

I implore you, please focus your attention away from Moe et. al. and instead muse on the luminescence of the elephants’ feathered wings.

Attached to this E-mail is a wonderful illustration from The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Elephants, drawn by Miriam Grinspoon, on request from Eagletosh, who described the scene he had seen in one of his dreams (which were sent from the Great Elephant in the Sky). If that is not photographic evidence enough, nothing will convince the skeptics.

Best regards and with prayers for your conversion,
Prof. Håvard Skjæveland
Eagletosh University of Proboscidoptera, Historical Faculty

Elephant wings.

Elephant wings.

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